Too often we look in the wrong places for our purpose, our meaning. I, for one, went to the Department of Chemical Engineering in the hopes that this program will give me my reason for being. And too often than most, we go wrong. I know I did.
Redemption was the major theme of my first years in college. I had to show my high school kins that I didn't deserve to be in the 6th place, gosh, I was worth more than that. I knew deep down that that wasn't the best I can do, I am Abegail, and I can go further than that. Freshman year in college wasn't a breeze. The only consolation I had was the pleasure I felt whenever I hear people say, "Ahhh, kuyawa gud nimo, chem e. man jud." And so the projection of the self, myself, I wanted to achieve grew bigger by the semester. I dared to dream the highest graduation honors a graduate can achieve.
Every scratch paper I wrote on for practicing problems was accompanied by the nagging thought of wanting to be perfect. That neatness and understanding of the solution didn't matter anymore because I wanted to be perfect. I don't know what this means and how this can be applied but I want to get perfect. And every score I had always fell short. And so questions like,
"Bogo jud ko?", "Nakaya lagi nila, ako lagi wala?", "Maayoha nila oy, nganung anhi ra mn ko kutob?"
contributed to the growing inferiority complex I didn't know I was capable of generating until the dream turned into the complete opposite of what it should have been.
I've been on the wrong side of the road these past three years, is it too late to change the course of my journey now?
Here I am at point zero three, until I find that right reason, I'll be stuck in here for good.
Photo by:
Dax Casanova
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