Defeat

Hey there! For a comeback blogpost, I think the title's a bit grim. But hey, stick to the end of this post and you'll find out what this fuss's about.

I'm on my last year in college and truth be told, I am not doing well, academically. I have not passed my thesis proposal and more so my design project. My grades are on their knees begging for me to quit school already. I bring great shame to my father's name (sobs). However, instead of crying in a corner feeling sorry for myself and playing victim, which by the way I have mastered through the years, I decided to take on the higher road and accept defeat. This round is not mine to win.

I have spent resources - time, money and energy. I accept that maybe, I have not strategically thought out my action plan or maybe I did, it just didn't work. At this point, I have raised the white flag and greeted my foes and adversaries "Congratulations, you have won!" In an attempt to salvage the resources I have invested, I have decided to learn things out of the experience. There are things you learn in defeat that you don't get to think about when you're on top. In true Gail fashion, I present to thee these things:

Natalie Portman said it best when she shared her failure to meet the expectations of tabloids in her first film, in a speech she delivered in the Harvard 2015 Commencement - "I learned early that my meaning had to be from the experience of the making of the film and the possibility of connecting with individuals rather than the foremost trophies of my industry - financial and critical success." She said that initial reactions could be false predictors of our work's ultimate legacy in that her first movie, which at first was highly criticized, was also the one people thought was their favorite. She began Black Swan with no fear of what the public's reaction would be because she owned the meaning as to why she's doing the film. The experience was hers, she owned her meaning. I also loved what she said about ballerinas, that upon reaching a certain level of their technique the things that separates them from others are their quirks and flaws. I also loved how she emphasized that we are never going to be the best at anything because someone will always have a higher jump or a more beautiful mind, the only thing we can be the best at is developing our own selves.

I struggle with meeting instructors' expectations most of the time and it's really disappointing how inversely proportional the amount of effort I put in to making them see that I have potential and the perception that they are receiving. This leads me to the hideous cycle of hating myself and what I do. I was wrong in placing my meaning into their hands when clearly, they don't see what's happening behind the scenes. So from now on, before taking on a certain task, I will determine my own meaning first and I will completely own it. I answer to myself and I take responsibility for myself.

Learning number 2 goes hand-in-hand with learning number 1. After owning your meaning, you define your worth. Sure, it's common sense to look to others for approval, but their opinions are limited by their own perceptions and biases. Yours is too. But if every opinion is in a way biased, why not make it work for you? Define your own worth before others define it for you.

In problem solving I always skip 10 steps ahead and say, "I am never going to solve this problem on my own." It comes with no surprise that I am right 100% of the time. I also say, "I am among the bottom half of the class" and just like that everybody thinks I am too. Even I am not doing myself a favor. From now on I am going to reawaken the inner cheerleader in me and start each undertaking with "Nobody is going to tell you that you can do it, you have to tell yourself you can." 

We cannot be the best but we can be better. One thing I like about losing and being the underdog is the satisfaction you get when others think that you can't do it and you do your thing and prove them wrong. Talk about b*tch-slap in the face.

I am secretly competitive and I will not back down without a fight. Sometimes it gets hard to not make things personal with the person you're competing with so from now on I will start to get used to the idea of competing with my past self - the only competition that should matter.

Another learning that I feel is very essential is to see the good in everything. When you see the good in everything, every good will fall into place. The next time I'm faced with a very big task, I will not let it overwhelm me. I will see it as something good and it's going to help me improve.

Let me end this string of learnings with that above. I have been confronted with the dilemma of choosing between working my ass off for my uncertain future or to just abandon all the work and bask in the moment. It wasn't until recently I finally rested my case about this conflict. When Qui Gon Jin asked Obi Wan to focus in the moment and Obi Wan answered, "Master Yoda always says that we must think of the future," and to that Master Qui Gon said "...but never at the expense of the moment."

I always worry about meeting with deadlines to the point where I lose myself panicking over the seconds remaining instead of working towards the accomplishment of the task. I know in my head that panicking isn't going to work but I still do it anyway. In that moment, I have given my precious seconds to the future that I cannot control. I am never going to have those seconds back. I could have enjoyed the moment more had I been calm. The next time I'm faced with a situation like this I will remind myself to not let this moment belong to the future, the moment belongs to itself.

So, calculate for the salvage value.

Photo credits:
here, here, here, here, here and here